Happy July and well, by the time most of you read this…Happy Independence Day!
This morning started out with a bang, and not in the greatest way.
Benny woke up laughing and being his typical chipper self. Then, we went to speech therapy. Today was SUPPOSE to be SUPER. It was less than so. After speech, we were walking out the main door to head to the elevator. I was, as usual, holding Benny’s hand to go out the door. I’m USUALLY so cautious of every little bit of his body and where it’s at, at all times and today I failed. So hard. The door shut on his little fingers and as I looked back to tell him to come along, I saw it.
Oh lord, I almost got sick. He looked shocked and then he cried and cried hard. Benny isn’t a crier. He’s got such a high pain tolerance and man, it just happened so fast. I whipped him back in the waiting room and immediately his physical therapist got him an ice pack. After a minute, he calmed down, was moving his fingers and was even laughing again, but I wasn’t. I do my best, but I cried when I got out to the car. I hate crying infant of Benny (or anyone), but it happened. I talked to him about it and let him know how sorry I was and that I will do better. I think he understood, he gave me lots of kisses today afterwards, as if to let me know that he was ok.
I’ve had many “mom fails”. I feel like I do it daily, and I try to move on and not only learn from it, but tell Benny how I am working hard to do my best. Trying to let him know mistakes are not only ok, but that it’s not the end of the world. I tell him and I hope he understands because in all honesty, I don’t. I’m always critical of myself and kick myself when I’m down. Today, wasn’t anything new on how I felt, but it doesn’t do anyone any good if I kick myself down harder. It shows Benny that it’s ok to beat yourself up. I did fail him by not being more cautious, but I did my best to take care of him after it happened.
Things like this are hard for me to shake. I’m sure most parents feel this way. I guess, I’m even more so upset because this kid just does his best everyday and is just the sweetest soul. He works so hard. When something like this happens, it takes me awhile to shake it off. I do my best, but I guess I wouldn’t be me if I said, “Ah sure, no biggie…I’m cool.”
How do parents do it? How have they done it for all these years? I felt like dying today and things could be just so much worse. How do parents deal with their sick children? I shutter to even think of the terrible things in the world. It sends me down a deep hole that is hard to get out of.
Honestly, though today sucked on that note, it’s been a good day.
Benny and I got to go for the umpteenth time and go swim at my husbands Aunt’s. It’s been wonderful. To say we are fortunate is an understatement. It’s been like being on vacation being able to have a safe place to go and swim and just have a blast!
I can tell Benny is becoming more curious and learning. We’ve tried a few times to take his floaties off and see what he can do, but he’s just not there yet. I know he will get it though.
Benny has had such a great Summer and I hope that it continues to be! We’re having a 1/2 birthday party for him this month. Hawaiian themed, pizza and swimming. It’s honestly an excuse for everyone to get together, swim and eat cake. Benny’s birthday being in the dead of Winter, it just stinks that there have already been years where the weather has pushed out his parties.
As far as therapies, it took what seemed forever since First Steps, but he’s now in Speech and Physical therapies. He’s had his Occupational therapy evaluation and we’re hoping for him to get the green light on the start date soon. Next week, he starts Music therapy and I’m so excited for that for him. He’s also starting next week, behavioral therapy. There isn’t really anything that Benny exudes as a problem, but they can help us with potty training and other useful techniques to help him progress and become more independent.
It’s crucial to me for him to be as independent as possible. While I love holding his hand and will do it (as long as he lets me) until the day I die, I know it is HIM that has to learn how to use the restroom, bathe, dress and feed himself properly for the rest of his life. If I could stop myself from aging and live forever just to care for him, I would.
I know that Benny can do all of these things, it will just take a lot of effort and work. It may come sooner than later, but only he holds the key to his focus and drive. We as parents can only find the resources and help him so much. Forcing any child beyond their capability at the time will only hinder and possibly stunt the growth. I am not that kind of parent. You can push and encourage but FORCE is an absolute negative result.
I am hopeful for Benny, I am worried for him. That’s a parents job, to live for your child to grow in every way possible so that when you leave this Earth, you have something left behind, your seed, your tree that has grown and blossomed. Benny has given me the greatest gifts the world could offer. His love.
I know this post may have been a downer, that was not my intention. While I write this all out, I really am happy but I need to be honest about what is out there. Some times are really happy and things feel “normal”. I don’t know what any other life would be like. Benny being my only child, it’s all I know. This IS my NORMAL. However, yes, there are times that I feel sad and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that. Things are just different. They are different for everyone and I’m grateful for every second I get to spend with Benny and learn as much as I can and hope that I can teach him something at the end of the day.
Things are slowly moving along for therapies and I’m still hoping to get him into ABA therapy. Waits are long and the children really get the junk end of the stick. I wish there were enough facilities and educated people do work with special needs children, but there just is a shortage. We will continue to do our best and keep striving for things to get done. I know that with consistency and work that things will fall in place.
As usual, I feel like I typed too much and yet didn’t say anything. What’s new?! Haha!
I hope this finds you well, enjoy the Summer everyone!